Date: March 30, 2008
Hares: Jolly Green Vagina
Bag Car: Jolly Green Vagina
Pre-Lube: 99 Restaurant
Beer Check #1: Mystery Park and playground in Charlestown by factories
Beer Check #2: Playground by a School in Charlestown with some sweet 4-square
Beer Check #3: Prospect Hill, by the tower, and close to a playground
On-In: Newtowne Grill
Distance: 5.94 miles, if you ran the Eagles
Weather: 45 degrees and sunny
Scribe: DEEP Black Hole
The Pack: Virgin Emily, Super Teflon Dong, DEEP Black Hole, Headmaster, Virgin
Teresa, Europe'en Whore, 1-900-Cum-4-Kix (formerly You Oughta Blow), Homobile,
Band Camp, Goes Down On Buoys, Emaculate Erection, Crucifux, Anal Beads, Shorn
Scrotum, Dribbles, Cocktologist, Bend Over Mommy, Friar Fuck, Pat My Fly
Late Cummers On Trail: Peppermint Pussy, Wang Chunks, G-String
Late Cummers to the On-In: Sugar Plum Fairy
It was a gorgeous, beautiful day in Charlestown. I arrived at the Pre-lube at
ten minutes to 2 pm, thinking I'd be late, as the hare, Jolly Green Vagina, said
that the pack would be away at 2 pm SHARP. Apparently hashers can't read,
because when I got there, I only found Super Teflon Dong at the bar, plus a few
virgins wandering around confused-like (as virgins often do…). Jolly showed
up a few minutes later and said "yeah, we're not leaving for awhile." So I had
a tasty dessert with oreos and some beer.
Eventually, a good quantity of people showed up who weren't afraid of the orange
line and/or Charlestown. Jolly Green Vagina has the distinction of laying a
fine trail, while simultaneously being bag car and having THREE, yes, THREE beer
checks! I can't remember the last time we had three beer checks and one hare.
Warm-up (or at least introductions) were held by a stand-in RA, Headmaster.
Marks were explained to the virgins. Jolly Green Vagina strongly discouraged
anybody from taking the Eagle on the second Turkey-Eagle split (which some
hashers ignored later - overacheiving wankers). He also said something about
this being the 5th anniversary of King Charles Spaniels or something. That
prompted some good quotable material from hashers, detailed below. And the pack
Trail left from the 99 Restaurant, up through some Charlestown Neighborhoods,
and loosely onto the Freedom Trail. A small Turkey-Eagle split caused the
Eagles to not take it easy and go down a alleyway briefly, then meet up back
with the Turkeys. Trail went on past the Bunker Hill Monument (which is
actually on Breed's Hill, correct?), and continued an alleyway tradition through
C-Town, finally ending by some park overlooking scenic factories. The pack
dined on potato chips and cheesey puffs under a pavilion.
From the park, trail went along Main Street in Charlestown, past the Sullivan T
station, over a bridge into Somerville, and through Residential areas until it
arrived at beer check number 2, a playground by a Somerville school. This
playground featured a Labyrinth which many hashers wandered around (and left
marks in). Friar Fuck zenned his way to the center of the Labyrinth instead of
actually following the trail. Jolly Green Vagina brought along his jolly green
playground ball, and a rousing game of 4-square began, with some kids joining
in. Crucifux got ultra competitive by hitting the kids feet with the ball,
while Goes Down on Buoys got into coach-mode, telling the kids how to improve
their game and saying "Good Job!" in a coach voice a lot. There were also
swings at this playground, and lots of swingin' hashers took advantage of them.
It was here that Wang Chunks and Peppermint Pussy appeared. Everybody drank
beer and dined in pretzels.
After hustling enough little kids at 4-square, the pack departed for trail
section number 3.
Trail went through Somerville and Cambridge, past the intersections for highways
28 and 93. It was a short bit of trail to get to the third (yes, THIRD) beer
check, which was just outside of Union Square on Prospect Hill, by the only
thing that probably resembles a castle in North America (Dribbles agrees with me
on this one - Irish castles could totally kick our little Revolutionary tower's
ass). Seeing as every single beer check thus far featured a playground and
children, this one did as well, even though the hash wasn't exactly in the
playground. The hash drank more beer and ate cookies. Best trail food ever.
Headmaster climbed a tree, prompting must quotes about wood (see below).
G-String showed up, prompting Jolly Green Vagina to shower him with
confetti-ala-potato-chips. Some kids showed up and thought that Jolly Green
Vagina was Jesus, upon which Jolly pointed out that Jesus was in the tree
(Headmaster, dangling from a branch). Despite
their cajoling, they did not score beer, but scored a good scolding from me.
It was definitely time to go finish up this trail and get to more beer. Trail
part 5 followed Beacon Street with a few turns and went to Porter square, if you
did the Eagle section (which really wasn't that bad). The Turkeys had a
straight shot to Porter, and the Newtowne Grille
Wang Chunks was RA for the afternoon. About this time, Sugar Plum Fairy showed
up, because why should someone run/walk trail when you live close to the On-In?
Our hare extrodinare, Jolly Green Vagina, was brought into the circle. Comments
on trail included:
"He does it damn good all by himself"
"Not Enough Kids!"
"Likes small trail"
"Too much 4-square"
"Large Green Ball!"
"NAMBLA is crying because he missed this trail!"
Our hare sang "I Used To Work In Chicago…" and did his down-downs.
Our two virgins, Virgin Emily and Virgin Teresa, were brought into the circle to
be demented by Dementress Peppermint Pussy. Anal Beads made Virgin Teresa cum,
and the Internet made Virgin Emily cum. Virgin Teresa, because she works at
MIT, was asked what the square root of 69 was, to which she answered, "Your
Mom's Penis." Maybe that's some sort of code, but nice try. I think she needs
to work on numbers. Virgin Teresa apparently also said "I don't believe in
handjobs - Men can do it better themselves." Virgin Emily, when asked what her
favorite sexual position was, answered "The Wheelbarrow", and demonstrated with
Jolly Green Vagina, her fill-in Internet sponsor. The Pack sang "It's a Small
Dick" for the example down-downs, and then the Virgins did their down-downs,
thus fully joining the hash - congratulations Just Emily and Just Teresa.
Friar Fuck was our honorary visitor, from Seacoast. He sang the Seacoast hash
fight song, or at least it sounds like a fight song.
Next up was accusations. A catholic down-down was called, for all those who
went to Catholic school, were dressed like Catholic schoolgirls, or who had
religious names. The following all partook due to Catholic guilt: Europe'en
Whore, Peppermint Pussy, 1-900-Cum-4-Kix, Virgin Teresa, Emaculate Erection,
Dribbles, Crucifux, and Emaculate Erection drank for same shirt (actually,
Emaculate Erection wasn't wearing the same shirt, but when one religiously named
hasher drinks, all religiously named hashers drink). G-String drank for having
purple nipples (?), and Super Teflon Dong tried to accuse one of our virgins of
having new shoes (and failed - having to do the down-down himself).
Other accusations included:
Cranium Cover in Circle - Super Teflon Dong
Porta Potty Pee on Trail - Shorn Scrotum
Sweat Test Failure - Sugar Plum Fairy
Racist - 1-900-Cum-4-Kix
Abusing Children through Excessive 4-Square playing - Goes Down on Buoys, Anal
Late - Wang Chunks, G-String, Peppermint Pussy
Looking like Jesus - Headmaster
Looking like a fake Jesus - Jolly Green Vagina
Working at a Prison - Cocktologist
Making out with a little kid - 1-900-Cum-4-Kix
DFL - Pat My Fly
FBI - Virgin Emily (with Virgin Teresa, because all virgins drink)
Flashing little kids - G-String
Nerd - Short Scrotum, Peppermint Pussy (but I can't remember why they
specifically were accused of this - something having to do with topology of
MIT - Wang Chunks, Headmaster, DEEP Black Hole, Friar Fuck (who all drank with
the Nerds above).
At this point, accusations got really unrealistic, but whatever.
Killing a Kid - Crucifux (I hope it was that kid who was trying to get beer),
and then all the Women of the hash (not sure why)
Coaching at 4-square - Emaculate Erection, Goes Down On Buoys
All Gay Men - G-String
Disturbing Photo on Hash Tag scaring civilians away - Wang Chunks
Sign up for Marathon already!! Seriously!!
Seacoast's 100th hash will occur April 26-28. You should go to that to get over
the sadness of Marathon week being over
"I was afraid to say yes to the big one." - 1-900-Cum-4-Kix
"In honor of the King Charles Spaniel Hash, can we p*ss on Trail?" - Friar F*ck
"Any man can give another man a hand job and like it" - Guess which male hasher
"There's a large woody between my legs and it isn't my junk" - Headmaster, while
straddling a tree branch
"It was 3 installments of 4 inches" - Jolly Green Vagina
"I see the pearl earings, where's the pearl necklace?" - G-String
"Anal Beads lost it." - Headmaster
"G-String has a Doily around his asshole" - Sugar Plum Fairy
"I have no game. My best move is to shut up and let it happen." - Wang Chunks,
on how to pick up women.
"I'll stop the world and melt with Friar" - Jolly Green Vagina (singing)