Boston Hash House Harriers

The pack gathered inside Three Cheers. It was a chaotic scene of excess. There were secret service people trying to ride herd on the crowd, to no
avail. The candidates were working the crowd, attempting to cadge votes. Several hashers were a bit under the weather after the multi-bar pub-crawl of the previous evening, but a buoyant exuberance characterized the bulk of those present.

Eventually, the pack mustered in the parking lot by the Fort Point Channel. Trail was marked in chalk. There would be two turkey/eagle splits and two beer checks. In keeping with the campaign theme, the marks were somewhat different. A campaign promise was equivalent to YBF. Recession and war were equivalent to a False. The beer check was a campaign stop, or something to that effect. Hey, I was writing things down, and I had no idea. Great … this was going to be an interesting trail.

So, without much further ado, the pack did a quick Father Birmingham, and was off in search of trail. Things got a bit messy right from the first check. I was attempting to sweep, but it's hard to sweep when some of the FRBs take a major detour through downtown crossing. I was walking trail, and seeing packs of hashers running to and fro all over downtown Boston. I persisted following through Chinatown, and stopped to direct traffic and hashers along trail.

Some of the back of the pack needed to use a restroom, so I lead them on a short cut toward the Public Garden, past the Park Plaza Hotel. The restrooms are on the mezzanine level of the hotel. As I was saying goodbye to them, a German couple drove up and attempted to give me the keys to their car so I could valet park it. Although their car was much nicer than mine, I was honest and told them I didn't work for the hotel (I was wearing dark sunglasses and a dark suit, secret service, you know).

Unfortunately, being so far behind, I didn't follow trail all the way to the Back Bay Commuter Rail Station (figuring everyone would be to the beer check or close to it). The commuter rail station was the site of the overlooked turkey/eagle split that so many missed. Hashers went completely off trail. Some went into the mall at Copley Place. But with a few frantic phone calls, all were eventually directed to the first beer check, in the Public Garden.

As it was a beautiful spring afternoon, there were at least two wedding parties in the Public Garden, for photo shoots. This was a good diversion for the Park Ranger on his horse … no one bothered with the hashers drinking bug juice from cups, even after singing a few off color songs (at least we weren't by the brass ducklings, which attract scads of families with small children).

After all were eventually accounted for, the DFL pack short cut to the second beer check (this one had Sam Adams beer). Meanwhile, anyone who missed the second turkey/eagle split and went on the eagle trail (or opted to be an eagle) got royally screwed. Seems that Threat set a vicious CB 69. Trail went one mile out to the BU campus, only to turn around and go back to the turkey trail. Nice. The comments from the eagles (who were DFL to the second beer check) were borderline unprintable: "I've been *ss raped." "I've never been F-ed so badly." "I loved it." "This is what politics is all about." "Flagrant authority violation."

As we milled about outside the second beer check, Virginia Slim walked up, along with Biker Chick, who was pushing a stroller with her new daughter. It was great to see them, even though it was very brief. I believe they purposely tracked down the pack.

Threat had organized a special treat for the run from the second beer check to the on-in. Seems we were to run by the Kerry residence, past all the REAL secret service people. The candidates were to run by first, followed by their supporters with signs. Threat gave very explicit instructions on what to do (stay together as a group, with our "secret service" people at the perimeter of the group) and on what no to do (anything that might be perceived as threatening). Somehow, with a pack of crazy hashers, this seemed like less than a great idea. But, it went smoothly … with only a few glares from the secret service. Whew!

After crossing over Beacon Hill, trail went through Boston Common, past Park Street Station, through part of the financial district, to the on-in Jose McIntyre's. We had the whole upstairs to ourselves.

Puff-n-Stuff was RA, as usual. The pack of 100 plus hashers was mostly inattentive, as beer consumption had taken precedence. It was noisy, with many side conversations. Comments on the run included: "Best Ever", "Trail, what trail?" "Great!" "On with Nipples and Floppy!" Threat, Nipples and Floppy did their down down, and sang "Friggin in the Rigging".

Virgins (okay, I was standing right next to them, and could hardly hear anything … a circle with over 100 people tends to cause that problem). Shine On and Cum Chowdah double teamed the virgins.

• Virgin Matt said that Just Ben made him cum. When Shine On asked him to guess where the candy necklace was hidden on her body, he correctly guessed her leg. Matt then attempted a condom trick, but broke the condom in the process.
• Virgin Michele said My Wife's a Virgin made her cum. Chowdah asked, "If I were a lollipop how would you eat me?" She answered that she would suck him. Chowdah replied, "as luck would have it, I have one right here." (and he unzipped his pants to hand her a lollipop)
• The other virgin, Michelle, said that Hole in the Bucket made her cum (I may have mixed up the Michele/Michelle). She said that the photos are at the house. Chowdah asked her what he was, that he came in "many shapes and sizes and flavors and was hard and gooey". The answer was "gum". And Chowdah gave her some gum.
• Virgin Donna said the world wide web made her cum. When asked how long that took, she answered, "not long." When asked the number of times she masterb*tes, she said "as often as possible". Then I have a scurrilous note about rabbit not dolphin. Then Chowdah asked what she was doing later (cuddling).

The virgins were given a down down and welcomed to the hash.

Visitors: The huge pack of visitors came into the circle and given a down down.

Accusations: given the total zoo the circle had turned into, there were no accusations. We did a quick hash religion, and got on with the partying. We had food, and plenty of beer to drink.

In true hash fashion, it was fixed … there was no vote taken, so whoever thinks they are on the ballot for November, well just go right ahead. I have
no idea who would have won:

1. Dick Pop Fly, Nipples Erectus Ticket, with Threat from Behind, filling the role of The Secretary of State of Inebriation and Debauchery.
2. Hare Club For Queers "A vote for Hand Job is a vote for Beer (and hand jobs)!", with Ballsectomy as campaign manager/emergency triage provider
3. JMo "Every Day is Wednesday!" … the ultimate suck up campaign slogan Master Gator, with My Wife's a Virgin as campaign manager
4. Last but not least, Anal Avenger, and he didn't even show up for the election

After the food, hashers stayed even after hash cash ran out for beer. The bar started letting in their usual early-20s crowd … hashers were undeterred. There was dancing and dirty dancing late into the evening.

1. "There's no reason to stop. We're going to cum together."
2. "I gave up s*x three years ago." - Sweet Molasses
3. "Can I give you my number now? I live with my mom now." - Doggie Treat
4. "That's okay; I'm staying with my mom too." - whomever DT was trying to pick up
5. "You Need loving." - Sugar Plum Fairy to One Drunk Watching
6. "I cum from behind." - One Drunk Watching

Boston hashers: Anal Beads, Just Ben, At Your Cervix, Ballsectomy, Bare My Lingus, Beaver without a Cause, Bumble Beaver, Butt Load (who?), Byte Sized Dick, Chapped Ass, Cherry Poppins, Ching Ching, Cock Climber, Come Straddle Me, Cream Whora, Cum Chowdah, Cum Prik Pow, Cums Alone (scribe), Just Denise, Doggie Treats, Double Flush, Dribbles, Drippy Spigot, Just Eric (since named Molested Development), Father Birmingham’s B*tch, Floppy Dick, French Tickler (big time backslider), Friar F*ck, Frodo the Gay, G I Jane, Gage Reflex, General *ss Pounder, Grease My Monkey's Nuts, Hare Club for Queers, Harpoontang, Heat Seeking Nipple Finder, He's My B*tch, High An*s, Hole in the Bucket, Hot for Jizz, Hot for Tots, Hung Like a Jew, IHUMP, The Jizzmopper, Lickety Slit, Lube Me In, Master Gator, Mom's Cumming, Mr. Clean (who??), Mrs. Clean, Muffalotta, My Wife's a Virgin, Nipples Erectus, No Vacancy, One Drunk Watching, Paris Sucks!, Pat My Fly, Public Nuisance, Puff-n-Stuff, Rectal, Schniedelwutz, Shine On Harvard Moon, Shorn Scrotum, Ski Bobbitt, Sponge Bath Square Pants, Suck it Down South, Sugar Plum Fairy, Sweet Molasses, Tattoo My Scrotum, The Fat One, Threat from Behind, Just Todd (since named Holy O Zone), Velvet Pelvis, Viagra Doubtfire, Wee Willie Wanker, WinToes69, You're Not My Daddy also probably More Head and Picklemebutt (they were at the Sunday hash)

Baltimore Annapolis H3: Fossil
Boise H3: Pulsating Pussy (Capt. Cramp), Lil' Fast Fuck
Charlotte H3: Blowpops
Virgins: Michele, Michelle, Matt and Donna?
Buffalo H3: Head First, Just Al, Just Ellen, Sergeant Slap a Wood
Halve Mein H3, Albany: Dr. Queer, Peace O’Chum, Poptop, Stinky Queef, The Hasher Formerly Known as Don
Happy Heretics H3: Sh*t Happens
Hartford H3: Follow My T*ts
Jackson Hole H3/Boston H3: Wolfgang von BlitzF*cker
Jersey Gypsies: Dances with Spam
Minneapolis H3: Ewe Haul, Just Steve (aka Lyle Shidla Wanna Be)
Nairobi H3: Wet F*ck
Newport Hashers: Coffee, Tea or Me, Cuff'd and Stuff'd in the Buff, E. B. Ripta, Ghetto Man, I Swallow, Leisure Suit Larry, Little Debbie, Lost in the
Bush (Just Shawn's unofficial name), Mary Kay, Just Michelle, Miss Gay Rhode Island, Just ML, Nipoleon, Purdy Mouth, Radioactive Semen, Just Steve
Ottawa Hashers:** Ass Blaster, Finger Lickin' Good, ScratchnSniff, Who Blew JR?
Phoenix H3: Chinwacker
Portland: Just Stuart
From somewhere: Cumming Linguist, Just Jeremy
From somewhere in NY: Lips & Assholes
Seaport Hasher: Cum Titty